That is precisely what happened to Tahani Aburaneh. I’ve interviewed a number of women with exceptional stories but Tahani’s life story ranks right up there as one of the most challenging and thought-provoking.

From refugee camp to Canada

Tahani was born in a refugee camp in Jordan. While life in the camp was hardly lavish, she and her family managed to survive reasonably well despite all the challenges. If we consider her early life by Canadian standards, we would be shocked. Even her own children were taken aback the very first time they went over for a visit and yet Tahani never felt poor or diminished during her childhood.

Her life took a sharp turn in February of 1981 when she learned of her fate. By August of that year, she was in Canada with a new husband whom she barely knew. Suddenly she was a married woman in a new country, learning a new language, having to attend to her house and her husband while going to school like other kids her age.

As Tahani explains, she was very naive and she felt that she had to do what was expected of her culturally. It was not an easy situation. Twenty-two years later Tahani knew that the marriage had to end, not for her sake but for that of her kids. She packed up her children and left with very little money.

On her own

Now Tahani was faced with a new and pressing problem: They needed a roof over their heads and money to live on. Some time earlier she had become a realtor and had experienced the ups and downs of the business, but every time she started to see some success, she would sabotage it. That, in part, is what kept her in the marriage so long; she didn’t believe that she could make it on her own.

This time however she had to succeed. Her first act was the purchase of a semi-detached house with the help of a banker who believed in her. Tahani says she was terrified. Two kids, no financial support, no real income and now a house to pay for – who wouldn’t be scared!

The banker’s act of faith and kindness pushed her into feeling more courageous. A few months later, after sinking to a low point financially and emotionally, she finally decided that it was time to make a change. She simply had to succeed, in part to show her husband that she could do it because there was no way that she was going back.

She started knocking on doors and going to builders to ask for their business. “I wasn’t shy about telling people I needed the work to feed my kids and that I was willing to work very hard to do whatever it took to sell or buy homes for my clients. People are amazing, people want to help. They also respond to your desire to go the extra mile for them and get the job done. Clients believed me and they gave me a chance. I started getting great results.”

Success

Four and a half years later, Tahani had purchased nine other houses plus her semi-detached which was paid for in full! When I asked how she did it, she replied, “I would take my kids to sports, to school and work, work, work. I slept very little and worked like a mad woman non-stop. There was no dating or fun time. I was focused and committed to do whatever it took to take care of my kids. I got very creative and I didn’t spend money on anything! I just put money in the bank. For the first year and a half I wouldn’t even buy a $1.10 cup of coffee! I had a plan and I stuck to it.”

Tahani has since developed a multimillion dollar real estate portfolio and she has branched out into large real estate development projects as a developer and investor. She has become a best-selling author and an international speaker who helps and encourages others to just believe in themselves and accomplish their dreams. It really is inspiring to see what she has accomplished in light of her beginnings.

Needless to say, she has a lot of advice for women:

1. You have to face your money situation; you need to know what’s happening with your money. Don’t be naive. Whether you want to or not, you will have to face it at some point.
2. You don’t need to know everything before acting. Action is a great way to learn
3. You must manage your own money. You need to understand money and how it works. When women give away their money power to their spouses or anyone else, they set themselves up to become victims when bad things happen. Women need to understand what is happening and be responsible for their decisions and their wealth.
4. Believe you can do it and that you have something important to bring to the table. Develop self-confidence by taking small, consistent steps. Every single step forward builds your wins.
5. Don’t look for excuses. If you want it badly enough, you’ll do it. For Tahani, it was about her kids. Now it’s about contribution. Understand what is driving you, what your “why” is.
6. You must understand your relationship to money – are you a saver, spender, avoider, etc? What do you think of when you see money? What are your feelings about money? Write down your answers and understand what is behind those emotions.
7. Focus on who you can help. Life is about adding value to others. Money is a by-product; it comes to you because you seek to help.
8. Focusing on building your future is as important as reducing debt. Think future and think investments. Come up with wealth creation ideas, then save and invest .
9. Life has ups and down but you’ll be OK. Any woman is capable of doing whatever she wants. Even if you cannot see it, do the actions and have faith. It takes work to be successful. You must be committed, be courageous and step out of your comfort zone.

If this story doesn’t inspire you to action, I don’t know what will! Whatever your situation, have the courage and the confidence to go for the life you want. You can do it.

PS Tahani will be the featured speaker at the next Ottawa Real Estate Investors Organization meeting on Monday, May 13th. For more details visit the OREIO website: www.oreio.org.

Last week I had the chance to spend a few days with two girlfriends whom I hadn’t seen in years. I cannot remember the last time that I laughed so hard over two and a half days. At one point – true story – one of their prints came crashing off the wall as we were laughing uproariously over another one of our shared stories. The latter had to do with aging and some of its more interesting consequences. Most normal people probably wouldn’t laugh when a really nice print gets damaged, but that just made us laugh even harder. If the Universe was trying to send us a message to tell us to pipe down, it failed miserably. We got louder.

This weekend I’m off for an overnight with my book club group (some of whom are pictured above) and it occurs to me how lucky I am to have such great girlfriends, which in turn brings back the words of many of the women I have interviewed. They talked about the importance of their female support groups as they went through their various traumas. Their network of girlfriends played a key role in the process of healing and moving forward. Nurturing strong ties with their girlfriends is now a priority.

It’s very easy to lose touch with our friends. We have the best of intentions and we certainly mean to set aside some time to get together but somehow school, work, the yard, extra-curricular sports and the very busy-ness of life all get in the way. How is it that time can evaporate so quickly?

The busy trap

In a great article entitled The Busy Trap, Tim Kreider makes a persuasive argument for controlling our addiction to being busy. He ends with a fantastic line: “Life is too short to be busy.” What if we all agreed to stop saying we’re “crazy busy” when people ask us how we’re doing? It’s become a bit of a cliche; isn’t everybody busy these days? I think Tim’s on to something. Our grandmothers were crazy busy trying to raise kids with none of the conveniences we have today, and yet I doubt they responded with “I’m so busy” when they crossed paths with their neighbours. I digress.

When Malcolm died, I discovered just how critical my friends are. My family lives several provinces away so they couldn’t help me much in the aftermath of loss. It was my friends who stepped in and provided much-needed support. My male friends helped out with stuff – computer work, renovating the house, maintaining the yard until I finally figured out how to do all that stuff by myself. (You can read about this process in A replacement husband for Christmas.)

My female friends were my emotional support. They listened to me as I cried, they offered words of reassurance and, much later, they doled out tough love in a bid to help me move forward.

There’s a saying that family is your support through thick and thin and while that’s true for some people it’s also true that a lot of family dynamics leave a great deal to be desired. Of course we should all spend time with our extended families and foster those relationships too. But the stories of support and strength that I hear through my research are mostly about friends in general, and girlfriends in particular.

So if you haven’t had a chance to spend some quality time with your girlfriends in a while, I suggest that you pull out the calendar and set up a date asap. Your kids will survive, your partner/spouse will manage perfectly well and your other obligations can wait. Just ensure that the art is securely fastened to the walls wherever you meet.

I’d love to hear your favourite stories of time spent with your girlfriends, and/or how they helped you through a tough time. Please share!

Easter Sunday marked the one year anniversary of my blog and book project. Last March I finally listened to the inner voice that had been bugging me for ten years to start sharing all the lessons I have learned since the death of my first husband. For years now my husband Mark has also been encouraging me to start a blog. Four or five years ago he bought me a book entitled “Clear blogging” using the first proceeds from his own blog. I thanked him for the thoughtful gesture and placed the book on my office shelf where it sat untouched until last year. OK, I’m a slowly learner.

After a year of thought-provoking interviews with other women and an overwhelming response from readers, I feel deep gratitude that this blog is resonating with others. It reminds me of one of the most important lessons I learned through the process of loss and rebuilding my life. That lesson is about the critical importance of gratitude and expectations in order to move forward with your life.

Ras’s lesson

This is where my dear friend Ras comes in. Several months after Malcolm died, she and her partner Marilynn called to say that they wanted to come spend a weekend with me to help with my healing. Ras is a Reiki Master and she was on a mission to use her healing hands to do my battered body and psyche some good.

So they packed up Ras’s massage table and drove several hours to my house, bringing a good supply of red wine with them. When Ras pulled out her massage table I began to resist her. I didn’t want to be a burden.

- Ras, it’s OK. You don’t need to do this. You didn’t come here to work. I’m so happy that you’re here, that’s enough.

- I know that I don’t need to do this. It’s not work. I want to do this for you and for me too.

- I know but you really don’t need to. Maybe some other time.

This went on for a few minutes before Ras looked at me sternly – or as sternly as she is capable of, which isn’t much given how kind and giving she is – and said,

- You need to learn how to receive. You’re very good at giving but you’re not good at receiving. It’s just as important to receive as it is to give. When someone offers you something or when something good happens to you, here’s what I want you to say, “Thank you Universe, now give me more!” OK, repeat after me, “Thank you Universe, now give me more.”

I laughed of course and then, typically, I began to argue with her. You can’t do that. It’s impolite. You just don’t say stuff like that. Good point, but really. Her eyebrows shot up.

- Repeat after me….

Ras won, as she always does, and so did I because I learned a very important lesson that day and it’s one that I’ve shared with many good friends (right Wendy?). We are taught at a very young age that it is obnoxious to ask for more when someone gives you something and it is inappropriate to expect more. Be grateful for what you have received and for what you already have, that’s enough right? Perhaps that’s true where social interactions are concerned, but Ras’s larger point is that this is about your relationship with the Universe. This is about believing viscerally that you are deserving of all the good things in your life and in fact you are deserving of every single thing you desire (provided that it does not come at someone else’s expense).

Ras wasn’t suggesting that I vocalize her phrase, but instead that I say it to myself and to the Universe to make it quite clear that a) I understand that I do in fact deserve the goodness that just came my way, and b) I fully expect and deserve more or better in the future. It’s about gratitude and expectations all wrapped into one lovely bundle.

Find the good, make room for more

Pick any transformational author and look through their work. They have pretty much all said that before something new can come into your life, you must be grateful for the goodness that’s already there. I acknowledge that it’s not always easy to feel grateful when you’re facing a lot of darkness in your world, but regardless where you’re at there is always something good to be found.

After Malcolm died it took a long time for me to locate any bright spots in my life. Ras’s gift, and her lesson, were that moments of gratitude can come courtesy of the many small gifts that friends, family and the Universe bestow on us daily. The more you focus on the good bits, the more they seem to multiply. The more you expect good outcomes, the more they seem to show up.

After nearly ten years of living with cancer and watching my first husband die from it, I had become quite jaded and cynical. It was not an easy process to turn that around, but when I did begin to shift my thoughts and expectations the results were significant. My life, my business and my relationships were transformed.

So the next time that someone offers to do something nice for you or do you favour, instead of telling them why you won’t accept it, say thank you and accept the gift. Then in your head, repeat after Ras, “Thank you Universe, give me more!”

Thank you to all my readers for making the last year such a successful one. Please continue to share your thoughts and pass the message on to other women who might benefit. I’m grateful to you all. (You know exactly what I’m saying in my head right now.)

Let me begin with a question: Who pays for every aspect of your current lifestyle? How about the car expenses? Kids’ activities? Holidays? Medical expenses? What about the credit card payments – do you cover those? Think about every dollar that is spent to pay for your family’s expenditures and then ask where that money is coming from. Make a list and beside every type of expense write down who pays for it. If, like many families, your money goes into a joint account, then calculate what percentage of the expenses is covered by your contribution.

Does your spouse or partner’s income figure in any way on that list? If you’re like most women, it likely plays a fairly significant role. Now ask yourself this: What if your spouse disappeared from your life tomorrow? I know that many of you will argue that the likelihood of that happening is slim to none, but for the time being just disregard all objections and play along. If your spouse no longer contributed to your household income for whatever reason starting tomorrow, what impact would that have on your lifestyle?

Would you still be able to maintain the same standard of living? If not, is the change in lifestyle one that is acceptable to you? Would you nonetheless be in a good, stable position  financially or would you be left scrambling?

To date I have interviewed a few dozen women for this blog and in all but two cases money was at the top of the list of significant issues women faced after divorce or the loss of their spouse. Whether we like it or not, money is a big deal for us mostly because we don’t have enough of it or we don’t control its flow into our lives.

Why does the source of your family’s money matter? If your family income is good and you’re enjoying a fulfilling lifestyle, why should you care?

Well for one thing, life has a way of being unpredictable. Look back through my blog posts at all of the stories of sudden loss or deception leading to divorce and you will have a good argument for being prepared. My most recent post What do you say and do when someone dies? was written after a 39 year old friend of mine died suddenly. These things happen and sadly they happen all too often. It’s worth repeating that not one of the women I have interviewed expected to become a widow or a divorcee.

The ostrich syndrome

We all have varying degrees of head-in-sand disease. You know what I’m talking about here – the unwillingness to entertain unpleasant possibilities because you’re convinced that such things will never happen to you. You’re healthy and you will always be healthy. Your marriage is strong and will always remain strong. You come from a long line of people who died in their 90s while chopping wood so you’re good to go. Your husband is Mr. Health and Fitness therefore no worries there. Good, and may that be true for you. But what if it’s not?

In a recent post I encouraged you to expect a positive outcome but to cover yourself. That’s what I’m after regarding your financial health: protection. That requires awareness and action.

So back to my original question: Where does your money trail lead? Does your income cover every aspect of your lifestyle and if not, do you have sufficient insurance to pick up the slack if your husband were to die? Here’s another thing: Insurance doesn’t kick in if you divorce. What then?

My intent is not to cause panic. Instead, I want you to pull back the curtain on your financial life and to develop a clear, full understanding of how much money is coming in, where it is coming from and how much you need to make to maintain your standard of living. If after taking a good look you determine that you are dependent on your spouse for a good chunk of your lifestyle then you need to ask yourself a key question: What would you do if his income stopped for some reason?

My big mistake

Twenty years ago I made a big mistake, one that cost me years of stress and financial difficulty. I made if for all the right emotional reasons but it was a mistake nonetheless. And if I had taken the time to think critically about what I was doing, I would likely have chosen a different path.

In 1992 two great things happened to me: I was promoted to a PhD program in Neurolinguistics and I learned that I had won a Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council doctoral fellowship. The latter, along with my job as a Teaching Assistant, meant that my PhD would be fully funded. My first husband Malcolm had started a thriving business and his health was reasonably stable after a few years of cancer scares. Life seemed pretty bright at that moment.

Then came the blow: Malcolm’s cancer came back with a vengeance necessitating major surgery followed by radiation and chemotherapy. His recovery from the surgery alone took several weeks and it became clear that he could not continue to run the company alone.

At the time I told my thesis supervisor that I would take a one-year leave of absence to help out with the business while Malcolm got back on his feet. I never went back. During that critical year I became increasingly involved in the day-to-day running of the company and within six months I had become CEO and chief marketer. At the one-year mark Malcolm still wasn’t well enough to take over by himself so I put off my studies another year and stayed on. I couldn’t leave him when he wasn’t well enough to run the business could I?

The next thing I knew years had gone by and the opportunity to resume my studies had passed. I had been caught in the well-known trap of daily to-do lists and immediate concerns without ever taking the time to step back to think about the big picture. Frankly, I didn’t want to think about the possibility that Malcolm would never be well enough to run the business alone. I put my head in the sand and became entrenched in the here-and-now. Big mistake.

Malcolm died in 1998 and it was only then that I realized that I had allowed myself to become entirely dependent on him for my living. Yes, I was generating a lot of the income in the business with my marketing choices but the bottom line is that the products we sold depended almost entirely on Malcolm. When he died, so did the future of the product line and therefore so did the future of my business.

Just start over right? It’s not fun but it’s not the end of the world either. True, except that the business also had hundreds of thousands of dollars of liabilities that needed to be addressed at the time of Malcolm’s death. That was my inheritance, and climbing out of that hole took nearly four years of constant work and stress. Once the financial mess was cleaned up, I had to completely reinvent myself. At that point my previous academic research was virtually irrelevant since so much time had passed. The only choice left was to start over from scratch in my 30s.

The lesson for women

Why am I telling you this? Very simply, I want you to ask yourself some important questions about the way your life is set up to see if you have unwittingly created areas of vulnerability that may hurt you some day. The idea here is to bring consciousness into your daily life to ensure that the path you’ve chosen is the product of both attention and intention.

You know what it’s like: You wake up one day, look around and wonder how on earth you got ‘here’. ‘Here’ for each of us represents a state or a destination that is not one of our conscious choosing.

Everything in your life at the moment is there because on some level you made a choice. Once we look closely at the many aspects of our lives, we realize that many choices were made unconsciously. We keep our heads down running from to-do lists to kids’ emergencies to work deadlines to social obligations often without stopping, stepping back and asking, “Is this really where I want to go? Is this really what I want to be doing? Is this the best path for me?” We lose sight of the forest because we’re so busy crawling through the trees.

If, in 1992, I had taken the time to think about all the possible consequences of walking away from my PhD and following Malcolm into his business, I would doubtless have made another choice. The obvious objection is that Malcolm’s business would likely have failed. Yes, it might have and you know, looking back, that would not have been the end of the world for him. It might have forced him to choose a different line of work that allowed him more time to focus on his health. My mistake was focussing exclusively on Malcolm’s well-being while completely ignoring my own needs. Malcolm was sick; I wanted to help him. His business was in jeopardy; I wanted to rescue it and to protect Malcolm’s future. What I did instead was damage my own.

What I have learned through this whole process is that we cannot sacrifice our well-being for someone else’s. That isn’t in anyone’s highest, best interests. It also leaves us terribly vulnerable when things go sideways.

We all have to make sacrifices for the good of our families, particularly our children, but in doing so we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that we have an obligation to ourselves to remain healthy, vibrant and protected.

My #1 Tip for you and for all women:  If, once you’ve asked yourself what you’d do without your spouse’s income, the answer is that you would be in trouble, then it’s time to put on your thinking cap, turn on the engine of creativity and figure out what options you have to become financially protected and strong. Don’t ever count on the Happily Ever After. Expect it, but don’t count on it.

There’s a huge upside to doing this that goes beyond simply protecting yourself from future difficulties, and it has everything to do with securing a stronger financial position for yourself today.

I will end my #1 Tip with a parallel to sports: I coach a girls’ basketball team and one of the key lessons I impart to them is that to win a game you must have a strong defense or else the other team will walk all over you. Defense is essential, but it’s not sufficient. You do need to prevent the other team from scoring but in order to win you also need to score. Hence the need for a good offensive plan.

My suggestion for you is to strengthen your financial defense (i.e. your weaknesses) and then create a strategy for your offense: How can you make yourself financially strong and stable? By doing that you will set yourself up for a win. And a win for you is a win for the family.

You’d think that since death is such an integral part of being human we would be good at dealing with it and talking about it. We’re not. In fact, we don’t typically talk about death because it makes us feel uncomfortable, which is why we have such a hard time knowing what to say or do when someone we know, like and care about experiences a tragic loss. The following are ideas and suggestions based on my experience of loss. I’ve also interviewed several widows for this blog and the bottom line is that we have all experienced a variation of the points I raise below.

The widow’s view

To put this in context, here’s a sense of what it feels like to be a widow:  The first few days feel unreal. You’re in a state of profound shock and you begin to feel a kind of deep, visceral pain of loss which is unlike anything you can imagine unless you’ve been through it before. Everywhere you turn there are signs of your husband’s life: his clothes, his phone, his computer, his car, his notes around the house, the coffee cup he didn’t pick up, his text messages to you just days ago; the list goes on and on. It seems unfathomable that he is gone. It is impossible that you will never speak with him again. You look at your children and you simply cannot believe that they will never again see their father. Your brain shuts down because it can’t cope with the contradiction of today’s knowledge of his death with the ever-present evidence of his life. The grief is overwhelming. What the hell is going on? It doesn’t make any sense.

Then there are the facts of his death. How did it happen? If he died suddenly, you relive every moment asking yourself what you could have done differently that might have made a difference. You question every decision, every action taken or not taken. You beat yourself up and doubt yourself in ways that tear you apart even further. It is a soul-destroying time.

The first week or two you are surrounded by friends and family. The rush and crush of telling the world and making sudden decisions about his funeral carry you through the haze of the first week after his death. There is so much to do. Everyone wants to help but you have no idea what you need or how they can help. You can think of first-order necessities – the kids need to go to school and you have to plan the funeral – but beyond that it’s all an incomprehensible blur. You stop eating and sleeping; you run on sheer adrenaline and stress.

Keep it simple and genuine

That’s the reality for the widow. When you find out about the death you may find yourself wondering what to say or do. Where do you start? What should you avoid? What can you do to help?

First and foremost, be genuine, speak from the heart and keep it simple. I’ve been reading people’s reaction on Facebook to Shawn’s death and it’s deeply touching: expressions of shock, compassion, condolence, sympathy, of keeping Ruthanne and her family in their thoughts and prayers. It’s beautiful and it’s perfect. By reaching out initially you let the widow know that you have heard the news and that you are touched by her loss in a meaningful way. You’re also letting her know that she’s not alone in her grief and that her husband touched the lives of many people. I cannot emphasize how important that is.

I would also encourage you to send a card even if you’ve called or emailed or replied on social media. The effort to send something hand-written is always appreciated and shows an additional level of care. I kept all of the cards that I received when Malcolm died. (If you don’t know who Malcolm is you can read My Story.) I read them over and over again in the weeks following his death. It gave me a great deal of comfort to see how many people were mourning his loss and to hear about how he had touched their lives.

Food first, flowers later

The done thing following a death seems to be to send flowers. I would suggest that you forego flowers initially and consider giving food instead. The last thing a widow wants to think about following the trauma of her husband’s death is food. For the first week or so she will be surrounded by family and friends who will likely cook for her and the children. But once everyone leaves, and they always do at some point, she will have to face all of the tasks by herself. Consider filling her freezer with meals that she can cook or reheat at a moment’s notice. Of, if you prefer, drop by in two weeks or three weeks with a complete dinner in hand.

Here’s the thing about flowers under these circumstances: they reek of death. When you see flowers everywhere you immediately think wedding or funeral. I had a house full of flowers after Malcolm died and while I deeply appreciated the thought behind those gifts and expressions of sympathy, they also made me feel more depressed. They were constant reminders of death and just as everyone else was getting back to their normal lives, I was left with a heap of wilting, dying flowers. More unfortunate symbolism.

Don’t get me wrong, flowers are beautiful and sending them represents an act of caring. But how about sending them to the widow in three months or five months later with a note that says something like “We’re thinking of you and hope that these brighten your day.” She’s going to need a lot of brightening in six months time when everyone around has moved on and she’s still left to pick up the pieces. It would be an unexpected blessing and a splash of colour at a time when she needs it most.

Trust fund or donation

If you live at a distance and you nonetheless want to help, then ask if the widow is OK financially. I realize this is a delicate topic but my entire blog/book project exists because most women are not prepared for the death of their spouse. Far too many of them are left in a very difficult position financially when their spouse’s income disappears and there is no (or insufficient) insurance to ensure financial stability. It’s also not cheap to die. Just ask anyone who has had to pay for a casket and a funeral.

If the widow is in good shape financially, then you might consider making a donation to a charity that is meaningful to the deceased’s family. If you don’t know what would be appropriate, then ask. They’ll be touched by the gesture.

If the widow is likely facing financial hardship, then consider starting a trust fund to help her out. My friends Andrea and Jeff did that for me when Malcolm died and it made a significant difference in my life. They contacted the local newspaper, which ran a story about my situation and loss, and I found myself receiving donations from perfect strangers. It was deeply touching and helpful at a time when I faced a lot of difficulties.

Share your memories

As I mentioned earlier, a widow is usually very well supported for the first week or two following the death, but after that support wanes. This is not a judgment, it’s just a reflection of the reality that everyone gets pulled back into their lives and daily routines fairly quickly. It’s completely understandable, but the fact remains that the widow’s grief will not end a week or two after the funeral; in fact, it will intensify. This is when she will need your support the most.

One of the simplest ways to support her is to share your favourite stories and photos of her husband. One month after the death, send her a note sharing a favourite memory. A few months later perhaps send a photo of him that made you laugh or smile. Tell a story, your story of an event with the deceased.

For months after Malcolm died, I received cards and letters from people all over the world who wanted to share their memories of Malcolm. It was their way of honouring his memory and paying tribute to him while connecting with me. Many of these people were complete strangers; I had never even heard of them. And yet, here they were telling me about hilarious stories and escapades with Malcolm, the kind of stuff that would have had everyone’s eyes watering if told at a party. It had the same effect on me: it made me laugh, and yes it made me cry too but mostly it made me feel good to discover these fun, touching stories about the ways in which Malcolm had touched their lives. They were so important to me that I created an album with all of that correspondence.

One of the things that I noticed after Malcolm died is that some people avoided talking to me about him. It’s akin to ignoring the white elephant in the room. I suspect they did so because they didn’t want to upset me. Here’s the thing: We want to talk about the people we’ve lost, we need to talk about them. Don’t be afraid to keep mentioning the deceased’s name. If something reminds you of him, say so even if it makes the widow cry. Crying is a necessary part of grieving and healing, so instead of apologizing for making her cry, perhaps empathize with her.

I distinctly remember a conversation in which a good friend mentioned Malcolm’s name many months after his death and it set me off. Instead of looking uncomfortable, he gave me a hug and said, “I know, I miss him too.” I was so grateful to him for that moment. In that beautiful way, he allowed me to express my grief without feeling embarrassed while at the same time letting me know that he too was feeling Malcolm’s loss.

It’s all in the question

Roughly one week after Malcolm died I got a call from the funeral director: Malcolm’s ashes were ready to be picked up. When I showed up he handed me the urn and stared at me looking very uncomfortable. This from a funeral director. You know, if anyone is going to be comfortable dealing with death, you’d think it would be a funeral director. I guess not. Or maybe it’s that he was more accustomed to dealing with a more elderly clientele. In any case, as I turned to leave he said, “Are you OK?” I wish I could say that I said something gracious but I didn’t. Instead I replied, “I’m taking my husband home in an urn. No, I’m not OK.”

I know he meant well but I was so raw with grief that I could not find it in me to reply with a customary, trite phrase.

Here’s a suggestion I have about what to ask a widow: Don’t ask her how she’s doing. The majority of the time you can bet she’s doing terribly. If she says otherwise it’s probably a polite lie to make you feel better. Instead, consider asking, “How are you today?” Make it about today. Today is the only day that really matters for her because in the beginning it’s far too painful to think about tomorrow. If she’s really having a hard time that day, then ask her how you can help make her day better. Baby steps, one day at a time. Help her focus on making today a bit better. Then the next day a bit better, and so on.

The pain does eventually give way to acceptance but it is a long, hard process. There is no “getting over” the loss of a husband. Even when the trauma turns to healing there will always be a deep scar. Be patient with the widow and know that hers is a path that will be her own, one which you cannot understand. The best you can do is offer support, patience and acceptance as she makes her way through it.

I hope that you found the above helpful. Most of all I hope it makes a difference in a widow’s life. Please share your ideas on how best to support a widow . This is intended to be a conversation, not a monologue.

Rest in peace Shawn. You will be missed.

In Memory of Shawn Holmesdale, August 2, 1973 – February 27, 2013

So what does Wonder Woman have to do with ensuring success? Seriously, which self-respecting woman would be caught dead in that outfit? Forget the outfit; take on the stance. Assume the Wonder Woman posture for two minutes, preferably in private, and then take on your tasks with better outcomes and, as it turns out, a changed brain. So says Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist, in a brilliant TED Talk on which I stumbled recently.

You don’t have to be a devotee of psychology or neuroscience to get the implications of this really cool research. This is about using your body language to affect your brain and your outcomes. The best part is that it doesn’t cost you anything and you can get dramatic results in two minutes.

We all know that body language has a pretty significant effect on our judgment of people. Amy Cuddy gives the following examples:

• Nalini Ambady, a researcher at Tufts University, shows that when people watch 30-second soundless clips of real physician-patient interactions, their judgments of the physician’s niceness predict whether or not that physician will be sued.
• Alex Todorov at Princeton has shown us that judgments of political candidates’ faces in just one second predict 70 percent of U.S. Senate and gubernatorial race outcomes….

So we know that our posture and the way we carry ourselves affect others’ perception of us, apparently with amazing speed. Cuddy goes on to describe two different kinds of postures: ones that involve strong, dominant stances and others that involve diminishing movements, making oneself smaller thereby giving a nonverbal message of non-dominance and powerlessness.

Women and non-verbal cues

Not surprisingly, women appear to exhibit more of the latter. In her talk, Cuddy gives fascinating examples from her observation of MBA students and the way they enter a classroom, take up space and raise their hand to ask or answer questions. In general, men are more likely to take up more space, open up their bodies and display dominant postures. The opposite is true of women. Again, these are generalizations but it doesn’t require a mental stretch to believe that they’re true. Have you ever attended a Board Meeting? I suspect those tendencies would hold true in any co-ed gathering.

Cuddy goes on: “So we know that our nonverbals govern how other people think and feel about us. There’s a lot of evidence. But our question really was, do our nonverbals govern how we think and feel about ourselves? There’s some evidence that they do.” Cuddy also wanted to see if the body would have an influence on the brain. To do that, she ran a very clever experiment which measured the levels of two hormones before and after the experiment: testosterone (the dominance hormone) and cortisol (the stress hormone).

Here’s the gist of the experiment: People came into the lab, spat into a vial and then were asked to adopt either two high-power poses or two low-power poses for two minutes. Afterwards they gave another saliva sample, they were asked “How powerful do you feel” on a variety of situations and then they were given an opportunity to gamble.

The results: The high-power people experienced a 20% increase in testosterone and the low-power people showed a 10% decrease – after only two minutes of holding two poses! With respect to cortisol (i.e. the stress hormone), the high-power people showed a 25% decrease and the low-power people experienced a 15% increase. As Cuddy says, “…two minutes lead to these hormonal changes that configure your brain to basically be either assertive, confident and comfortable, or really stress-reactive and… feeling sort of shut down. …. So it seems that nonverbals do govern how we think and feel about ourselves. So it’s not just others. Our bodies change our minds.”

Fake it ’til you become it

That’s a huge result with incredible consequences. Just think about it: Our bodies change our minds, which can change our behaviour, which can change our outcomes. All this from paying close attention to our posture and adopting a stance that supports a feeling of power and confidence for two minutes.

Cuddy goes to some lengths to show that this goes beyond faking it ‘til you make it. It’s about faking it until you become the strong, confident person that you really are inside. It’s about reconnecting with your personal power, and it’s so easy to do.

Imagine going into a job interview. Or a meeting with your boss. Or an important presentation. Or facing a court-date for divorce proceedings. Or trying to deal with the loss of your husband. Or any of the myriad challenging, stressful situations that we face on a weekly basis. Now imagine spending two minutes in private adopting a high-power pose to help change your brain and thereby potentially change your outcomes. At the very least you will reduce your cortisol levels, increase your testosterone levels and give yourself the best chance of success.

Don’t take my word for it; watch the TED Talk yourself. It is fascinating and potentially life-changing. Here’s the link: Amy Cuddy – Your body language shapes who you are.

Here’s a quick summary of some of their concerns:

• They’re worried because there is so much they don’t know about their finances. Most of them take care of the day-to-day stuff with the kids but the overall finances are a bit of a mystery.
• By and large the husbands take care of the investments. Many of the women feel like idiots when the conversation turns to investment vehicles (i.e. stocks, bonds, etc) so they let the men take care of it. (I’d be curious to know if men in fact feel much more knowledgeable in this domain. Perhaps it’s just our perception that men have their finger on the investment pulse. That’s for another book.)
• They have no clue what investments they have. They know they hold stocks but they can’t say which and they have no idea how they’re doing beyond hearing their husbands grumble about them every once in a while.
• They typically take care of most of the banking but they’re not completely sure what accounts their husbands hold.

From what I’m hearing as I speak to women about their situation, my friends are certainly not alone. There is a division of labour in every home – that’s normal. However the problems start when there is a concurrent lack of knowledge about what the other half is doing. Sadly these problems typically only come to light when there has been a crisis – that is, a breakdown of the marriage or a death. If you haven’t yet read Cathy’s story – What you don’t know can hurt you, have a look. It’s an excellent illustration of this point.

Take a moment to think about your current situation: How would you fare if your spouse disappeared tomorrow? Would you be able to easily access all of your accounts, including his? Do you know all of the passwords? Are you aware of all of your banking and investment details?

The answer for most of us, sadly, is no. Yes, we know that there are files for everything (maybe) and that the passwords are kept on various post-it notes/memo pads/printed lists hidden somewhere clever (if only you could remember where that is). But for many of us, if we had to retrieve all of that information tomorrow we would be in a bind. Now add the stress of an emotional situation to that and you’ve got a recipe for a whole lot of pain.

So why don’t we take the time to store all of this information in one easy place? Because seriously, who has the time for that, right? And even if you were seized by an organizational goddess-like moment, how could you be sure that you got it all?

A happy accident

As so often happens in life, I came across a solution to this problem completely by accident. Last year I attended a conference for mortgage professionals and while I am not one of them, a friend of mine suggested that it would be a really good idea for me to meet a number of her colleagues to familiarize them with my Rent to Own Program.

So off I went and within minutes of arriving, my friend pointed to a woman and said, “You’ve got to talk to her. She’s got something you need to know about.” That’s when I met Sandra Tisiot and I first learned about My Life Locker.

By day Sandra is a mortgage agent but on the side she is the creator of an organizational system called My Life Locker. It turns out that Sandra had become sick and tired of having to ferret around in multiple places to find documents and personal information. She looked everywhere for a product that would help her keep all of that important information in one location but nothing existed. So she created one.

I don’t typically promote products on my blog and I have absolutely nothing to gain from sales of Sandra’s book. I am recommending it because it is such a clever tool to address what is clearly a big issue for women: a lack of knowledge about critical information in their lives.

Here’s a link to Sandra’s website: http://www.mylifelocker.com/. The book is divided in four major sections: Family; Important things; Money; and Everything else. The cost is $34.95. If you prefer to do things electronically, then you can pick up an e-version. Sandra is about to produce an update and as a result the current version is on sale for $3.99. To get that price just enter the coupon code POC2012. As of the posting date, Sandra could not confirm when the coupon will expire.

Too many passwords

Here’s another clever tool to which my husband introduced me (kicking and screaming, he would likely add): https://lastpass.com/. It’s a website, a browser extension and a mobile app that will make this whole business of passwords a breeze. In fact, the motto on the website is “The last password you ever need to remember.”

My husband Mark is very concerned about online security. It made him crazy that I was not exactly diligent about ensuring that all accounts have strong, unique passwords. He repeatedly told me about LastPass and every time I’d reply, “Yes, yes, I’ll get right on it.” He eventually installed it on my computer, spent ten minutes showing me how to use it and then waited patiently for my sheepish admission that I should have done this ages ago.

It really is a brilliant, easy system that generates strong, random passwords for all of your accounts and then keeps track of them all. You just need to remember one password, the one to get into LastPass in the first place. This also means that if your husband uses the same system, you only need to know a single password to access his information.

The best part of it from my perspective is that LastPass automatically fills in your information when you log into your various accounts once you’ve told it to remember your Username and Password. In one easy step you’ve just increased your security and simplified your life. I love it when efficiency and effectiveness come together so seamlessly.

Back to Sandra. During our conversation she said something that struck me: “We are moved by inspiration or desperation.” Do yourself a favour, take action now while you’re in inspiration mode. It’s a lot easier than tackling this when desperation hits.

If you know a woman who is widowed or divorced, I’d love to interview her to hear her story and to record her lessons learned. Please connect us via email. Her anonymity is assured. Thanks for reading.

I’m willing to bet that many people who read the stories that I’ve published intended to sort things out and take action but never quite got around to it. Perhaps they actually wrote it down on the never-ending to-do list that sits permanently on their desk, kitchen counter or smart phone. Or worse, maybe they just figure that such nasty things are not likely to happen to them. After all, they’re in a great marriage, they’re reasonably young and fit and so on. Yes, it could happen but really, how likely is it?

Here’s the thing: you have no idea what’s around the corner. I have two cases to illustrate that point today and I’m hoping that the take-away message from these stories in particular, and my blog in general, is to take action sooner rather than later.

The importance of timing

First there’s my friend whom I’ll call Dave. Mark and I received an email from Dave a while ago that went something like this:

“My wife and I have been reading Doris’s blog and while we thought we were both on the same page regarding our situation, it turns out we weren’t. As a result, we increased our insurance coverage. Several weeks later I discovered that my “widow-maker artery” was 90% blocked and I needed a stent. I had been having symptoms but I attributed them to stress. Antacids seemed to be working so I kept popping them back. Only after the fact did I realize how close I came to having a heart attack. I’m feeling fine now but it was a close call.

If my wife and I hadn’t stopped to consider our insurance coverage and increase it when we did, I would no longer be eligible because I now have a heart condition.”

Dave and his family are protected because they took action right away. They had no idea that a heart problem was brewing. It was all the more surprising since there is no history of heart disease in the family and while Dave isn’t an athlete, he is in decent shape and takes care of himself.

From left field

Then there’s the devastating story of Helena Van Ryn. I spent an evening with Helena recently to discuss her story. She had reached out to me in June of last year after spending a couple of days on Parliament Hill advocating for care providers. As part of that process she gave a speech. It is so deeply touching and well written that I have decided to share a portion of it with you. My comments will follow.

“My experience as a caregiver began innocuously: In the spring of 2006, my husband Chris complained that his hand hurt when he was trying to grip a golf club or throw a Frisbee. At that time, Chris was a healthy, active, 40 year old man who had never been sick before and had a successful career working as a Director in the federal government. Chris saw our family doctor who immediately ordered an MRI and an appointment with a neurologist.

Soon after, in July of 2006 he was officially diagnosed with ALS and told he had likely had it for some time, and now had two years to live. At that time, our twin daughters were about to start grade 3. Thus my experience as a caregiver began with no training.

In 2007, he had many falls and became significantly weaker and began to use a motorized scooter. The following year, he required a wheelchair. The year after that he received a ventilator and night time breathing equipment and he passed away in July of 2010 approximately four years after diagnosis, the summer before the twins started Grade 7.

The harsh reality of care

One of Chris’s wishes was to not be hospitalized. I agreed to this request and in the ensuing four years, Chris did not spend one day in hospital,..not a single day! Instead our home became a hospital where he could be cared for with dignity and respect for HIS wishes.

During this four year period, I worked full time for about 2 ½ years and then took leave for one and a half years. Interestingly, I work in the health care field, yet nothing prepared me for this experience. The people who made the biggest difference to me as a caregiver were our fabulous team of personal support workers and attendants, many of whom, worked with us for 2-3 years and some of whom are here tonight. The consistency of this care was crucial. They are the unsung heroes of our current health care system and also deserve better treatment and more recognition.

There were many professionals involved in our home care experience. However the majority of the coordination of services and the burden of care rested squarely with me as his primary caregiver. Like the spine, I was the recipient of all the incoming messages from specialists, and was the backbone of the operation, disseminating medical information and translating it into care and treatment. It required a lot of focus and energy! It has been said that caregivers are the back bone of the health care system.

Being a caregiver was by far the most difficult job I have ever undertaken. It is taxing, physically, emotionally, economically and spiritually. The toll it took to deliver 24/7 care in terms of my personal health and well-being were enormous. What got me through these dark times was the support, love and care of our extended family, friends and colleagues.

Their support enabled me to care for Chris. They brought our family meals, helped us adapt our home, held fundraisers, including a lavish casino night and several wine tasting evenings and a garage sale. They set up a charitable account to help offset the costs of some of the equipment we had to purchase. They gave us air miles to reach the destinations on Chris’s bucket list. One of the most poignant of the many gifts we received were donations from our daughters school friends. These girls asked for donations to the ALS Society in lieu of receiving birthday gifts. It was heart-warming and humbling to see the compassion shown by all these amazing people. To this day, I remain truly grateful.

I needed these beautiful moments of compassion and giving. For during this time while I was taking care of Chris, I also lost both my parents and found myself being the “on” parent all the time. This was an extremely challenging time for me and I felt pulled in many directions. I have always considered myself a strong and resilient person, but to tell you the truth, this nearly proved too much. Watching the man I loved struggle with the simplest things: moving his fingers, taking a breath, speaking to me and ultimately losing even these simple abilities was both terrifying and humbling. ALS is truly a cruel disease.”

The lesson?

In 2005, if you had asked Helena and Chris to predict what their lives would be like in the following year, their answer would certainly not have included dealing with a degenerative disease that would tear apart the family. And yet that’s exactly what happened.

They had plans to travel the world together; they had even lined up a year off from work so that they could make it happen. Then their world turned upside down with a few small symptoms that seemed so innocent: a sore hand that can’t grip a golf club. Perhaps a pinched nerve? Some sort of swelling? Certainly not ALS.

It’s unbelievable what Helena and her girls have been through in the last six years and to their credit they are doing remarkably well, particularly in light of the trauma they’ve endured.

Financially Helena is is good shape today thanks in part to the help that she received from her incredible support system, but also due to her insurance coverage and her own resourcefulness.

The two stories I’ve shared illustrate the fact that we just don’t know what will happen. I’m not a religious person but there is an amusing proverb that seems apt: Trust in God but lock your doors. I’d like to propose a version of that for this blog:

Expect a positive outcome but cover yourself.

1. What are the names of the following screw drivers:

1. Masters and Johnson
2. Calvin and Hobbes
3. Robertson and Phillips
4. Rogers and Hammerstein

2. How do you change the direction of rotation on a drill?

1. Who cares?
2. You can’t. It only spins one way.
3. By switching a lever typically located on or near the bottom of the handle.
4. By cursing at it.

3. Why do the following screw drivers have differently coloured handles?

1. To match the furniture.
2. To match the season.
3. Each colour represents a different size.
4. Each colour is used for a different job.

4. In renovations, mudding refers to what?

1. The mess left behind by careless contractors.
2. A process used in plumbing.
3. The use of a compound to cover seams after drywall is installed.
4. A paint technique.

You’re probably wondering why on earth I am asking about tools and renovations on a blog that’s all about sharing lessons with women. I’ll get to that, and no, I’m not going to give you the answers to the above. I’d like to hear what you think the answers are and what your experiences are with repairs. Please leave me a comment below and we’ll see how we’re doing as a sex when it comes to tools, repairs and renovations.

How many of you feel perfectly comfortable maintaining your house and dealing with machines or systems that break down in your world? Perhaps some of you have come to a good place after many trials and learning experiences. Perhaps you’ve learned the hard way, as I did. What we all know is that everything breaks down eventually and houses need a lot of maintenance. So why are women, as a whole, so unprepared for it all?

In a moment I’ll tell you how this topic came to the fore for me during the Christmas season in 1998. These days I’m in a great place but it’s been a long road to get here. I’m now married to a guy who hails from the Write-A-Cheque School of Home Repairs, and frankly I’ve come to see the genius in that approach. When I met Mark, three things struck me: his library (large and varied), his red wine collection (impressive) and his tool box (not so much). The latter inspired a Crocodile Dundee moment: That’s not a tool box, that’s a jewellery box. This is a tool box. We kept mine.

My tool collection came courtesy of Malcolm, and I learned to use many of them when Malcolm became too ill to work. You can read about some of those experiences in My Story Part II. Suffice it to say that from 1996 to 1998 I learned to do a lot of things that I never imagined likely for me. The hardest part, though, began after Malcolm died.

Stop goes the furnace

The year that Malcolm died the Universe decided to test my survival skills. (If you have no idea who Malcolm is, check out My Story, Part I.) After his death I spent three months crying on my office floor followed by two months racing through a retail season in my business, desperately working to stave off a financial crisis. Then it was Christmas.

Christmas can be challenging at the best of times. When you’re immersed in a world of grief, it’s impossible. I didn’t want to see anyone and I especially didn’t want to be around happy, joyful people. As soon as the last of the Christmas sales was over I retreated into my country house, locked the door and ignored the world. I ensconced myself on the sofa with a massive bowl of popcorn on my lap, a glass of Scotch in hand and I watched the entire BBC production (i.e. the 7 hour version) of Pride and Prejudice without stopping, twice.

I’m not sure when I realized that my house felt cold. My first reaction was to turn up the heat, to no effect. Our house had a geothermal system so there was never a sound of the furnace starting; it was more like a constant movement of air. The problem was that the air had stopped moving and there was certainly no heat. I wasn’t immediately concerned as this had happened before. I turned the system off, waited a bit and then turned it on again, thinking that it would reset itself as it had in the past. Still nothing. That’s when I started to panic.

The furnace was located in a crawl space underneath the stairs in the basement. My first thought was to go look at the thing, an idea which was quickly overridden by an awareness that I didn’t know the first thing about heating systems, geothermal or otherwise, so what would looking at it accomplish? I searched everywhere for the manual that the previous owners had left behind. I found a phone number to call for servicing. Perfect – a solution. Except that they were closed for the holidays and would only reopen again in several days. The recording recommended that I call a local company for assistance. Which local company? I called a few but no one had a clue about geothermal systems. I was told to call the manufacturer. Great.

Just as panic was starting to rise in my throat, I closed my eyes and talked to Malcolm: “What am I supposed to do now? It’s really cold outside and I have no heat.” I figured I may as well have a look at the thing, on the assumption that some action was better than none. I crawled into the space next to the furnace, brushing away cobwebs as I looked for buttons of any kind. What I found was an array of flashing lights and a few buttons. What to do? Once again, I closed my eyes and asked Malcolm for help. I didn’t hear anything nor did I have an epiphany about how geothermal systems work but I did feel a sense of calm come over me, and I began to push buttons. I have no idea how long I was at it but eventually something worked and the unit began to hum once again. A few days later I spoke to a technician and got him to write out instructions in case this happened again. “But you figured it out,” he said. No, I got lucky. I have no idea what I did to make the machine work. That won’t help me in the future.

International symbols

A few weeks later a massive amount of snow fell, so much so that I couldn’t get my car out of the garage. We had a 2.2 acre property with a massive driveway. There was no way that I could shovel the whole thing. I was forced to use the snow blower, something I had never done before. Malcolm had bought it the moment we moved into the country property, telling me that it would be essential. “I love this thing – it’s so easy to use and look at the amount of snow I can move in minutes with it!” he exclaimed the first time he used it.

OK, no problem I thought. I’ve used a riding lawn mower on the farm where I was raised, I drove motorcycles as a kid, how hard can a snow blower be? I had the key and I knew the basics. Fifteen minutes later I still hadn’t got the thing started. There was no point in searching for an instruction manual because Malcolm had never seen the need for such a thing. He was one of these people who has an innate understanding of how everything works; there wasn’t a single machine he couldn’t pull apart and put together again.

I finally broke down and called Malcolm’s father, Ron. Ron was the original Mr. Fix It. He was also an erudite Scot with no tolerance for folly.

-Doris, can’t you tell from the symbols on the front? They’re called international symbols for a reason. They’re supposed to be obvious.

-Ron, these symbols were apparently designed by a fine arts student in Mali who has never seen snow and never ever used a machine of any kind. You may as well ask a kindergarten child to explain how to get the thing started – she’d probably do a better job than these ‘international symbols’. Maybe one of them is Japanese for “Call your father-in-law in case of problems.” And yes, I put the key in and turned it on. Yes, I’ve done that too. And that. No, it still doesn’t start. Yes, I’d like to choke the thing. Oh wait, what do you mean by choke? Oh. No, haven’t done that. How do you do that again?

With cell phone in hand, wearing Malcolm’s size 10 boots because I didn’t own any tall enough to keep the snow out, I finally got the beast started. As soon as I freed my car from its snowy prison I drove to the store, got a copy of the manual and read it cover to cover.

Something is missing

A few months later I had contractors in to remove a door and put a window in its place. Malcolm and I had meant to do that from the very beginning but with his illness taking over we hadn’t managed it. I was now in the process of renovating the 70s nightmare of a house that I owned in order to transform it into a more presentable property for sale. It was clear that I couldn’t stay in such a large house and I desperately wanted to get back into the city. So I hired a company to get the window job done. By that point I had learned a great deal. Ron had already ensured that I knew how to use a variety of tools and do a number of renovations myself.

The day that the contractors finally came to get the job done something didn’t seem right. They were awfully quick about their business and never looked me in the eye. I saw the window go in but I wasn’t around to see the drywall go up around it. When the job was done they left in a big hurry, saying the boss would bill me for the work.

Something was bothering me. As I thought about it, I realized that I hadn’t seen them bring any insulation into the house. I started tapping on the wall around the window. What I got was a hollow sound. One foot away, my taps yielded the expected dull sound of an insulated wall. I ran down to my (OK, Malcolm’s) tool chest and pulled out a very long-handled screw driver. Then, in a moment inspired by a horror movie, I drove it into the drywall above the window. It went right through without any resistance beyond the drywall. I did the same all around the window. I eventually removed a good chunk of the newly-installed drywall to reveal that the contractors had installed a window with no insulation around it. There was one foot of empty space around all sides of my north-east facing window (ie. really cold).

The next day I called the owner of the company and asked if he was sure that the job had been done properly. He had not been to inspect it but yes indeed he was certain that his contractors had done a bang-up job of it, with their “usual professionalism.” I invited him to drop by my house to have a look at the work before I paid him. He said it wasn’t necessary. I insisted. In the end, I got a hefty discount and a sheepish apology with assurances that this had never happened before.

The reality is that women alone get taken advantage of by service providers of all stripes, particularly when it comes to areas that are traditionally the domain of men. I know that lots of men read my blog – because many of you have emailed me personally to pass on feedback, for which I am very grateful – so here’s my suggestion to an entrepreneurial soul out there: Start a business called Replacement Husband Contracting Services. Your motto can be “Honest, reliable service with no strings attached and nothing to clean up for a change”. I would have hired such a  “Replacement Husband” in a heartbeat that Christmas and I bet that a lot of single women would do the same today. Women need honest people that they can turn to when the various machines and systems in their lives fail. It’s a huge and probably profitable niche. If you start such a business let me know; I will gladly promote you.

Time to learn

To women I say here’s the deal: Most of us never spend any time learning how to use basic tools and figuring out how some common items work. We should. Yes, our fathers should teach us everything they know. My brother knew how to change the oil in a car as a teenager yet I was never taught. That is, not until after Malcolm’s death when I sought out a program for women offered through a local car dealership (brilliant idea by the way). However, even if our fathers teach us nothing, it is still our responsibility to learn some of the basics. Why? Because it helps us to be better prepared and to feel more confident in the face of challenges.

You may decide that you never want to swing a hammer or hold a drill and that’s OK, but it is nonetheless valuable to know what the issue is and how to evaluate a potential contractor. Knowledge breeds confidence and choice. It also yields respect from contractors. When you know something about the business of repairs it changes the whole dynamic when speaking with tradesmen. And let’s face it, they’re pretty much all men.

I cannot emphasize the power of choice enough. Isn’t that ideally what we want for ourselves: the freedom to choose our outcomes? That same philosophy applies to repairs. I know how to do a number of renovations courtesy of many hard lessons but as a 40-something I now choose not to. I spent enough of my 20s and early 30s putting in floors and walls; I never want to do that again. I’d rather take Mark’s approach: write a cheque and use the time doing something I value more.

Wherever you are on the learning curve, I encourage you to gain more knowledge and to begin the process of demystifying the world of tools and machines. It’s really not that complicated once you get past a lot of visceral fear. Ask questions of repair people and don’t be afraid of looking or sounding stupid. People who ask questions get answers, and people who get answers gain knowledge. As you increase your knowledge, you increase your personal power. Think of how profound a lesson that is for your kids. You – and they – are worth the investment of a bit of time.

Please share your comments regarding your experiences with repairs and tools. Your feedback acts as fuel for my posts. Let me know what you think.

I wish you a warm, joyful holiday season. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading.

If anyone is equipped to deal with nonsense it’s Diana. As I discovered, Diana’s toughness is the result of trial by fire and long experience. When she heard that I was working on a book to help women, she told me to grab a glass of wine, sit down and listen; she had a story to tell.

Jeffrey was a firefighter, an optimist and a ladies’ man throughout his twenties and early thirties. As I understand it, there was quite a revolving door of women entering and exiting his life in quick succession. His sister eventually decided that since Jeff was doing such a poor job of picking women, she would select a great girl for him. At his age, it was time for him to calm down and grow up. She introduced Diana to Jeff in 1994 and they instantly clicked. Both were happy, independent, social people and it worked out brilliantly for a number of years. He loved to cook, she loved to entertain. Neither of them liked conflict so when issues arose, they would cool off and calmly discuss the problems afterwards. To everyone’s delight, Jeff seemed to have settled down into a happy life with Diana, who had moved into his house within the first year.

As Diana came to know Jeff, she learned of his horrific childhood. His mother used to beat the kids and if that weren’t awful enough, when Jeff was eight years old he witnessed his father kill his mother and his grandmother. His father was sent to prison for the double murder but after five years he was released for “good behaviour”. As far as Diana could see, Jeff seemed to have dealt with that terrible past since he now was a very positive person with a successful career.

Roughly one year after they became a couple, they decided to invest in a business together with a few other partners. Diana already had a health services practice but she felt that this would be a great opportunity for growth and thus she became a minority shareholder in the enterprise.

Mistake #1

In the early days, cash flow was a significant issue for the business and there were several cash calls. Jeff took out a second mortgage on his house and he asked Diana to sign the papers, claiming that this would give her partial ownership. According to Diana, this is where she made her first critical mistake: She signed the documents without reviewing them carefully or questioning Jeff.  Of course she trusted him – he was her life partner. Why wouldn’t she trust him?

By the year 2000, things were beginning to change for Diana and Jeff. Diana’s father had died and left her some cash and his Lexus. Diana used the money to buy a cottage at a ski resort, a place that would become a refuge for her. Jeff used the car as collateral for one of his loans.

Around the same time, Jeff’s father died. Given the family history, Diana expected that this news would bring some closure for Jeff but instead it seemed to trigger a deep, emotional reaction. Jeff began to withdraw and become reclusive, just as he had done in his early 20s. He would disappear for as long as one week without any word or indication of his whereabouts. Colleagues and family alike were beside themselves with worry and they couldn’t believe that he hadn’t said a word to Diana. Diana was shocked.

When Jeff would return home, he’d refuse to discuss where he had been, what he had done and why he had left. When Diana got upset and insisted that they needed to talk, he’d disappear again. This was clearly an untenable situation so Diana suggested that they needed counselling. “I don’t have a problem, you’re the one with the problem,” was Jeff’s reply.

Diana returned with, “OK, so I’m the one with the problem. Let’s go to counselling to see what “I” can do about it then.” Jeff refused and kicked her out of his house when it became clear that Diana wasn’t going to leave things alone.

Downhill from there

Diana was very reluctant to leave despite the fact that Jeff’s family and friends were telling her to go in order to protect herself. She was in shock and in denial. “It will get better. He needs help,” she’d argue but they had long experience in dealing with Jeff and they insisted that it would be best for her to leave.

As Diana explains, she didn’t plan her departure very well because she believed that they still had a chance. At first she slept on the sofa at a friend’s house until she could get her head together, then she moved four times in a period of one year. Since her health practice had been located in Jeff’s house, she now had to relocate her business; the disruption had a big impact on her clientele.

After Diana left, Jeff became nasty and vindictive. He stopped paying the loan for which the Lexus was collateral, and eventually Diana’s father’s car was repossessed. Diana then faced another shock when she discovered that despite nine years together and a document which she believed gave her a share of the house, she in fact owned 50% of a second mortgage and other business loans. It didn’t stop there: Jeff went after her for half of the cottage, Diana’s sole place of refuge and at the time, her only residence. Thankfully a judge rebuked Jeff for the latter move and suggested that if Diana took the matter to trial, she would walk away with a lot more than just her cottage. Jeff quickly backed down.

It was clear that Jeff was out to destroy her and since she had signed on the dotted line for a variety of loans, she was stuck. A lawyer recommended that she get a loan to pay out her share of the debts and thereby get Jeff out of her life officially. By the time the matter was resolved, Diana had lost her father’s car and had incurred $60,000 of debt. But, at last, Jeff was out of her life.

The hardest part of all of the above for Diana is the fact that she lost her profession. “How could I go on pretending to be a healer when I was completely broken inside? Jeff had destroyed my soul. I needed to repair and rebuild myself before I could conceive of helping someone else. I also desperately needed money to live, so I had no choice but to find a job in another industry.” Diana found a job with a government policing agency as their communications specialist, a field she works in to this day.

Hard lessons learned

“Oh Doris, I’ve learned so much over the years. I’ve got a long list of advice for women:

1. Never sign a document that you don’t understand. It’s fine to trust someone but always verify anything that you’re about to sign. Have a lawyer review it and explain it to you. It’s much cheaper to do that than to pay for it afterwards.

2. Do not tell your spouse that you’re leaving until you’ve discussed your situation with a lawyer and friends, and you’ve found yourself a place to live. Ensure that you are secure and that you have your circle of experts and support.

3. Go for what is fair and fight back to defend what is rightfully yours. Be strategic.

4. Don’t assume that a break up will be amicable. I made that mistake and I got burned. Protect yourself.

5. Choose a lawyer before you leave, before you’re desperate, and choose the lawyer you want. I took what I could afford and that hurt me. In the end I would have been better off to get a better lawyer, one who understands psychology.

6. Always review your own documents! Jeff did my taxes for years and afterwards I discovered that he had lied about a number of things to the government for his benefit. My accountant and I went to Revenue Canada to declare the problem afterwards but it caused me a ton of stress and worry about what the repercussions would be. Take responsibility for your own documents.

7. Never stay angry or sit at home wondering who your ex is with. I learned that Jeff had been having an affair at the end of our relationship and within three weeks of my departure someone else moved in. If you stay angry and bitter you’re allowing them to control you. Go for therapy, go dancing, do sports, do creative things – whatever you need to do to allow your strength and clarity to surface once again. Leave the past in the past and embrace the freedom that comes with that.

8. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made. I was so ashamed that I had “lost” my father’s car, that I had not taken better care of it. It felt like I had betrayed my parents. My sister put it into perspective for me, “It’s just a car.” I needed to forgive myself. We all make mistakes. Move on, learn and never let it happen to you again.

A very great friend of mine once told me during the darkest time, “One day, you will become what he’s always wanted to be, and then surpass it by becoming who you truly are.” That was my mantra for years. She was right.”

Many thanks to Diana for sharing the above with me, and now with you. If you know of a woman who has experienced divorce or loss, please connect her with me. I’d love to hear her story. Thanks for reading.